What if....

I sit here on the couch, while everyone is asleep, and can't help but to ask myself what if..... I have so many unanswered questions. I try not to let them get the best of me, but sometimes it just helps for me to break down and cry. Tonight is one of those nights.

I know deep down in my heart that Gianfranco's condition was caused by me deciding to "protect" our family and all of us get the H1N1 vaccine. My OBGYN recommended it and we wanted to protect Giovanni when he came out that we figured it was something we HAD to do to keep our family safe. I don't care what Dr's. tell me....I know it caused Gianfranco's immune system to go wacky. To think I caused him all this! It breaks my heart like nothing I've experienced! WHY? I do believe "some good" has come out of it, but I'd give it all back if it meant my son was healthy again. Why was I so stupid to listen to what they recommended. I should have researched it and waited. Its the same as autism with vaccines. Yes, I agree vaccines do their job in keeping disease from spreading but at what cost. No, not all kids will develop autism from vaccines but if there immune system is "off" and they have a reaction to it.....that was something that could have been prevented. When your child is that one in 200,000, it matters! This is something I will have to live with the rest of my life. If I can help even one family in making an informed decision, I will. I look at EVERYTHING so differently. Its easy for others to judge us because we have changed but until you walk in our shoes don't be so quick to judge. I hope none of you have to go through something like this with your child(ren) but if you do, be strong and don't let what others think of you bother you. Do what is right for you and your family.

I pray tonight for so many families struggling with their child's sickness. Everyone has down played LCH because it isn't cancer, but let me tell you, this condition is HORRIBLE. The effects are crippling and gut wrenching. To watch a child suffer like I have seen and heard of rips me apart. I wasn't prepared for all I've seen in the last couple of days. I'm so thankful Gianfranco hasn't endured what so many others have. I pray for those families tonight. My special prayer for my baby is that the cyterabine kicks his pituitary LCH's butt and that he never has any other areas of LCH progression. Please God let us have caught it all early enough and for it to NEVER come back! My heart is so heavy, I can feel it in my chest. It is a real, palpable, sinking, nauseous feeling that doesn't go away.

Kiss and hug your kids longer, play with them when you are too busy, put down the remote, leave the laundry unfolded, tell them over and over how lucky you are to be their Mommy........

Gianfranco, I am SOOOO sorry baby! I love you more than life itself and never would have gotten the vaccine had I known.