Loss of a child.....

Here goes....this will be raw and unedited. There will be a ton of typos, emotion, and palpable heartache. I need somewhere to let go of it all. I can't be weak in front of my son....I have to be strong for him. I remember when I was young and would see my Mom break down I knew it was bad. I can still feel the feeling of doom because if my Mom was crying...it had to be bad. I don't want Gianfranco to feel what I'm feeling. If I must carry the weight of my pain and suffering it won't be in front of him. Tonight I went to a viewingl of a dear friend of ours. I'd never met his Mom and Dad until tonight. The first thing she said to me was that Art loved my kids. And I knew he did without him ever telling me. His actions proved it. He did so many kind and sincere things for us that I knew he was a good man and was honored to have him as our friend. I was speechless when I met his parent's. Nothing would come out of my mouth....a lump was in my throat and I couldn't talk. I could feel her pain and couldn't imagine being in her shoes. He was taken way too early at the age of 29. I always thanked Art for what he did for us but I never told him how lucky we were to have him as a part of our life. It never crossed my mind that the last time I'd see him was when he came to my son's 5th birthday. Yes- he took time to come to our son's b-day. That is the kind of man he was. Take the time to tell your friends what they mean to you....they may not know.....and then its too late.

Gianfranco's condition is not the same as diabetes mellitus. They don't know what the tumor is in his brain. It has grown more than 3mm in 2 months. It went from 5mm to over 8mm. We were hoping this was something we would be able to monitor w/ MRI's every 2-3 months, but now they say the biopsy is needed. We meet with his endocrinologist Friday and the neurosurgeon on Tues. I don't understand any of it. My baby was so healthy and now he is faced with life threatening illnesses in the blink of an eye. Its too much for me to wrap my head around. As I was driving to the wake tonight I was crying and thinking about life. My eyes were so filled with tears that things were blurry. I came to a stop light and the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that read- Love>Fear. And I said hmmm.....I hear ya God. Thank you for the message. My biggest fears are playing out right before my eyes and it is the fear of the unknown that tries to strangle me...and I need to remember that I can't control this, but that it is in God's hands and all I can do is pray for our baby. Something else I find weird is that I had ALWAYS said I would never have a baby in December....I just wouldn't. Mario and I tried for several months before we conceived Giovanni in April 2009. By that time we weren't even "trying" and wouldn't you know.....it happened....and the baby would be due in December. lol- That was God's way of telling me I'm not in control. At the time I didn't know how important it was that I had a baby in December because I can tell you that if I didn't have Giovanni I wouldn't have kept going when we got Gianfranco's diagnosis. It would have been so easy to stay in bed and waste away because I couldn't deal with the pain of my baby being sick. So....it all happens for a reason. Giovanni is a huge blessing to our family. He saved me. People tell me how strong I am....and that is so far from the truth. I'm not at all but I can't give up.....I have to be there for my family. I have no choice. And I do it all with honor. Being their Mother is the most blessed experience I can imagine. I want everyone to know that every text I get with a sweet message, or a bible verse, or an e-mail with encouraging words are what help me thru the day. I appreciate every single kind word I get from all my friends and family. Today I got a picture mail sent to my phone of a beautiful little girl in NY that is fighting Stage 4 cancer. She was smiling...despite it all....she was smiling. It brightened my day. Her Mom and I have never met, yet we "know" each other and are there to support each other. It is good to have people who can relate to what you are going thru. Its unfortunate, but comforting. When my friend's see me cry they don't know what to say or do but I can tell you that their presence is enough. I write this as my three boys are all snoring and getting their zzzzz's. And again I'm reminded that this is what life is...the great, the good, and the not so good. We are still so very blessed and have to focus on the good. This tumor picked the wrong Momma to mess with. Tomorrow morning we go for blood work...I pray the nurses have compassion for my baby and understand his fears. Good night to my beautiful family....sweet dreams.

Love,
Mommy